We're getting really close. Less than 3 weeks until my due date & if baby decides to come early, well, then it could be any day now. Everything suddenly feels more real, in large thanks to the birthing class we attended a couple weeks ago. While it was helpful in some ways, it was also overwhelming & kind of bleak. I understand they have to talk about every possible complication & outcome, but if you ask me they could've kept a lot of that to themselves. Also, my friend sent me a very beautiful labor & delivery video. It wasn't graphic by any means, it played pleasant music & it was quite heartwarming, but it instantly made me cry. For the first time I felt afraid. My whole pregnancy I talked a big game saying I'm not worried because: 1) I'm not the first person to ever go through this, a million women have done it before, 2) when it's time we'll go to the hospital & no matter what happens the end result is to leave with a baby & 3) we'll trust the professionals. I can almost recite it like a script I've said it so many times. So, why the sudden fear? I think I finally realized the seriousness of what is coming. Yes those 3 points I made are true, but it doesn't change the fact I have to go through what will probably be the most physically painful & challenging experience of my life. It took a few days & a few good talks with Quinn to get to a place of peace with it all.
The other thing that's surfaced recently was realizing my biological mother went through all of this to ultimately give me up. She went through 9 months of this roller coaster called pregnancy, allowing me to grow inside of her, take from her, change her body forever, without the end goal most of us do this for - to raise our baby. I'm in awe of the strength & courage it must have taken just to allow me to live. She could've chose to abort me, but instead she gave me a chance. I feel grateful to be alive in a way I never have before. So, to the woman who gave me life, we may never know each other, I may never get a chance to tell you this in person, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you.